Was I was born “gay” or with a predisposition to becoming gay. Maybe we are all born with a little of that within us and our circumstances or experiences in life makes us more disposed to exploring our feelings. Looking back I was the typical tomboy; climbing trees, playing sport, fighting, always in detention.
From a young age I had crushes on significant girls or women. My first meaningful crush on a senior girl (2 years older than me in my netball club) was when I was 13 years old. Crush is a good word, because whilst I felt something strongly towards her, it kind of crushed my soul too. I was brought up in a Christian home and was all too well aware of the damnation I was inviting through following through on my feelings.
As a sporty type I carried on getting involved in a range of sports clubs and teams and inevitably met the “stereotypical” gay women of the early 80’s who started to become more significant influencers to me than any women at church. I think looking back that this was a major issue, I had no strong female role models within the church, I had no one to talk to about my feelings or concerns and there was absolutely no way I could have spoken to my parents about this.
Now I strongly believe that this was the point where I failed. God presented me with a challenge, had I been stronger and had a faith, had strong and positive influencers around me at that point and felt able to talk openly about my sexuality, could I have resisted temptation? I certainly feel that I could have tried a lot harder but once you fall, you fall hard.
I don’t believe that I would have ever been “straight” but had I accepted God as my saviour as a child I know that he would have supported me in my struggle, I could have asked for support from him, for him to provide me with the tools I needed and for him to reveal his path for me.
Given that now some 35 years later I am finding that he is providing me with the daily strength to resist temptation and is providing me with so much support and love I have no reason to believe that he wouldn’t have done this in my childhood years.
In essence what I am saying is that yes, I do believe that our sexuality is part of our being, we are born predisposed more to one orientation than another. The challenge is that sexuality tends to be explored at a young age and if young people are not guided or supported then the danger is they will push the boundaries and go off the rails.
I also believe that if we are strong in our faith that we can draw strength from God and challenge what we do about our sexuality, how we proceed in life whether we are talking about homosexuality, promiscuity etc.
And yes, I believe that God loves me the same as everyone else, that God has a purpose for my life and regardless of my past he is ready to use me now I have come back to his fold.